he has booked a week off of work = next week. he's wondering what to do. he has booked it off without making any plans for the week he will be free from work. he has only booked it off so as to not be at work for a week - otherwise he would have had to wait for over a month for an opportunity to book a week off work.
so what should he do? should he do what he usually does, and try to make art, say some paintings, or drawings, or programming, or music?
or should he do something entirely different for once in his life?
say for example, booking a cheap holiday somewhere, all by himself?
"f##king hell" he says, "i'm so s##t". "i'm such a shit person."
"i will never get anywhere with my life. it's only a matter of time before suicide starts to seem a viable option... maybe."
he remembers what the doctor told him once about a woman, who coincidently was at the time, roughly the age he is now. this woman had similiar problems. the doctor told him that this woman regrets not going out into the world, she regrets staying at home, hiding from the world. she regrets it because now, hiding and staying in is the only thing she is capable of.
he feels like that is his future. decay. he still wants to be confident among people and to be in a light mood and able to have light conversations with strangers in unknown places. but it's a dream and he's tried and does not know how to make it happen.
he remembers a new years eve party at a club. his friends were there, and their friends also, he barely spoke to his friend's friends. he did not speak to a single person he did not know, except to buy himself a drink at the bar. he did not get up and dance at any point during the night. he sat in his chair and watched people being happy and felt miserable that he could not join them.