Hello? Alright mate is Tom there? Who's Tom? 'As 'e 'anded in 'is dissatayshun yet? I don't know. Who do you think this is? Ain't that Professor Skytpes? No. ... ... ... Hello? Hello? YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM! Hello? YOUR FEAR CANNOT CONTAIN ME! Uh? I CONTROL YOUR FEAR! I WILL BE YOUR MASTER! What the... ...
Addicts of the ash of the Xorgramana tree often start off as grey-haired skinny accountants. One day in their hum-drum lives they suddenly feel a desire for something different. The ash from burnt Xorgramana trees somehow seems attractive to them.
At the beginning of the addiction to Xorgramana ash, the users typically apply the ash to their lips and the inside of their mouths. The chemical agents in the ash soak into their bloodstream in this manner without having to digest the ash in the stomache, which causes a rather nasty case of diarrhoea.
This pattern continues for six months or so, until the addict's desire for the Xorgramana high is getting too strong to be satiated in this manner.
During this six month introductory (or probationary if you like) period of Xorgramana addiction, the new addict will rapidly pile on the pounds. Typically, the user will have transformed from a boring looking skinny grey haired accountant, into an obese 20 stone couch potato. This transformation is baffling scientists, not least because the addict also typically looks around 20 years younger.
Scientists are speculating upon these strange properties of the Xorgramana tree. Why does the ash of this tree transform the addict in this way? What purpose does it serve to the tree? And why is it only aging accountants who seem drawn to it?
As the addict balloons in weight, so does their hunger for the ash. As mentioned, oral consumption of the ash no longer satiates this hunger, and the addict turns to his (occasionally her) new-found volumes of flesh.
The second stage of Xorgramana Tree ash addiction begins with one or two horizontal incisions into the flesh of the upper chest and into which the addict applies Xorgramana ash. This provides a much more powerful Xorgramana high for the addict who to begin with is quickly satiated.
Of course, no addiction would be complete without this second method also quickly loosing it's power. Eventually, more and more cuts appear, and due to the fact most Xorgramana addicts are accountants, these cuts are nearly always arranged in two collumns either side of each nipple, and range down the chest, but not venturing onto the stomache, at roughly 5cm intervals.
By this time, when the whole chest of the addict is patterned neatly with horizontal cuts, more bodily transformations are apparent. The very first cuts are beginning to look suspiciously like lips. Quite quickly, these lips become mouths. At first glance it is almost as if these mouths are making feeble voiced attempts to demand more and more Xorgramana ash.
Xorgramana addicts at this stage are difficult to locate, they are understandably rather emotional and sensitive about their condition, tending to hide in their homes with the curtains drawn. There have been a few unconfirmed reports from the county of Kent in England (where the very first Xorgramana addicts were found) of sightings of addicts in the later part of this middle stage. These addicts appeared to have whole heads growing out of the cuts in their chests, and in one instance, a head complete with neck and shoulders.
These however are the least disturbing features of Xorgramana tree ash addiction. In the final stage - this is purely guesswork, it is not actually known what happens - the addict is transformed into a gruesome four headed monster.
This description is based upon a single sighting of what is to be assumed as the final stage of Xorgramana tree ash addiction. Very little is understood about the processes involved in this transformation.
It appeared the addict had four heads. The four heads face the cardinal points of the compass, North, South, East, and West - if you like. In this case, it seemed the four heads had grown upwards and outwards from within the original addicts head. This is only assumed from the fact relatives confirmed the hair atop the four heads appeared to be the same colour as their once beloved relative. Furthermore, the skin of the face and around the original head had not been able to cope with the rapid expansion caused by the four new heads and had simply ripped apart, leaving patches here and their. Much the same happened with the bone structure - parts were in place still, but much had fallen away. Each of the four heads was continually speaking, arguing, making orders of the other heads. One was heard saying "YOU CANNOT CONTROL ME, YOUR FEAR CANNOT CONTAIN ME, I WILL BE MASTER".
It was found upon closer inspection of this addict - quite monstrous in appearance and still (arguably) alive - that one of the heads had actually grown shoulders and a single arm complete with gruesome hand, which had been forced up above the heads as they grew, because there was nowhere else to accommodate it. This hand continually rotated around all four heads like the needle on a broken compass. This hand swiped two of the heads with considerable aggression, while the others two it wiped beads of sweat from the brows of.
Unfortunately, this addict was part of a family with a disturbing psychopathic history (who ever heard of psychopathic accountants!?). One of the family members broke into the hospital before the authorities had allowed scientists to take the addict for closer study, and kidnapped (as the authorities lawyers saw it) the addict, and killed him with a shotgun and then left him in the path of a train at Grove Ferry. Police later found the suspect eating lunch at the Dog and Duck in Plucks Gutter.