So sorry for myself

Woke up early this morning a big lorry or something had been past and an alarm was set off (by the lorry or not whatever). Had been dreaming about listening to some music I had made so I got up out of bed and got dressed. Made a cup of tea and listened to some music I made a few years ago.

With an echo of the music from my dream still in my mind, the first piece I expected to most closely resemble it was Racy Daisy Grazy. It wasn't exactly the same but did bear a close resemblance the proved satisfying.

I do listen to a few tracks I've made over the years from time to time and this morning it proved interesting to listen to that piece again. It seemed more minimal than I remembered as if my memory had filled in the gaps with chords and melodies which don't exist.

While listening to "Racy Daisy Grazy" I always remember that not long after producing it, and another track, Slab Cludge I exchanged a few emails with an artist whom I can't remember the name of, who said he preferred the latter of the two.

I listened to a couple more of my tracks which didn't evoke much within me until I listened to Long Drawn Out Hairy Bullshit. One of the first things I remember about this one is that I was actually paid a compliment by someone (a Christian IIRC software developer) on the Linux Audio Mailing list.

Of course by the time I'd got around to listening to "Long Drawn Out Hairy Bullshit" I was already thinking about how my past creativity has declined since I'm no longer frequently jobless and single and lonely. I found this track quite intense to listen to reminding me just how lonely I used to feel... But also how I used to believe all the "creativity" (music, art, drawing, painting, programming) would eventually work out for me and I'd be a happy and well respected artist "of some description".

Now I am 37 ½ years old I keep feeling I am getting old and thinking about my failure to get out of the low paid manual labour rut I fell into straight away after graduating from university. My failure to ever really "break out of my shell". People are supposed to do that when growing up aren't they?

My real world friends have become virtual friends on Facebook with whom little is exchanged. My virtual acquaintances (ie those I used to want as peers) while classified as friends on Facebook are still nothing more than virtual and increasing people I am jealous of because they're doing what I always wanted to and I'm working in some shitty factory for the minimum wage.

According to github, I last commited code to Petri-Foo 25 days ago. Nobody has been in contact which means it's either working fine or no one gives a shit. Either way I don't care right now to do anything about it. There's the usual call to arms on the Linux Audio Developers list which I would have once argued my point of view with but I know it wouldn't be constructive or relevant when I'm feeling so negative.

Around the time I last commited code to Petri-Foo I decided to make the most of what little sun we're having this Summer by riding my mountain bike more frequently.

My less serious mountain bike, the one Trek sent me as a replacement for the cracked Gary Fisher Marlin Disc, I've been modifying. A couple of months ago now I put a pannier on it. Now I've securely fixed a rear LED to the pannier. It's become a bike for commuting, or at least that is the intention. It's a bike I'm not scared at all from modifying. Inspired by the Olympic Mountain Biking, I'v turned the stem upside down to lower the handle bars and put me in a racier-attack position. I've converted the drive-train to 1x9 instead of 3x9. Achieved by taking the front derailieur and shifter off, and removing two of the three front chain rings. Me being me being me, I chose to keep the largests sprocket on the front instead of the middle sprocket. Which in my case happens to be larger the most other mountain bike sprockets at 46 teeth - as if cycling 12 miles to work and then back isn't hard enough. I think I've finally indentified where that annoying squeak is coming from - the seatpost from my old bike (it was marginally lighter). I recently also spent £24 on those popular so-called "Cree XM-L T6 1600 lumen" bicycle lights on fleabay to help with the commuting.

That's it for now...

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"So sorry for myself"

So sorry for myself...

Journal entry - 07:58 Saturday 1 September 2012

DISCLAIMER: The opinions and attitudes of James W. Morris as expressed here in the past may or may not accurately reflect the opinions and attitudes of James W. Morris at present, moreover, they may never have.

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